Stressed by Relaxation
I've noticed over the last couple of years that I've been getting frustrated when deciding how to relax. Today I had a free afternoon with no pressing DIY to attend to, no places to be, no chores to finish, but I was somehow more stressed than if I had a defined task that was demanding my time was assigned to.
As an adult free time is infrequent and fleeting so there is a subconscious obligation within me to make the 'most of it', even though there is no objective definition of what it means to 'make the most' of one's time.
If I don't fulfill the undefinable criteria of 'making the most of my free time' I feel bad, guilty, and ashamed, so deciding what is the best use of this time becomes a daunting activity. I can get stuck in the rut of selection where I feel like all of my available options have equal priority, so I seize up and end up sitting on the sofa on my phone.
My choices today were-
- Sit on the sofa with the cat and melt my brain with Reddit, register a job on MyBuilder, and research some Eurorack modules
- General exercise routine where I pretend to do sit ups, crunches etc but actually sit and watch YouTube
- Finally, for the first time in months, spend some time with my synthesiser and Eurorack setup after being inspired by a recent LGR Blerb
I ended up sitting on the sofa. I try not to feel too bad about this result. After all, being able to switch off and unwind is an activity that does have utility, but it is at the expense of other, more productive endeavours. A small consolation is that our pet cat is a lap demon - she just isn't comfortable or content unless she's sitting on a lap, so being present on the sofa makes her very happy. I did manage to stay off Reddit though! It rots the brain, the same sort of posts day in day out, an echo-chamber of opinions divorced from reality, so I'm glad my usage is dropping.
No matter what I chose though there is always a sense in my mind that I should be doing something else. I shouldn't be wasting my time sitting, I should be exercising. I shouldn't be playing FTL, I should be researching a trip abroad. I shouldn't be blogging, I should be making music with all the expensive kit I bought that I lusted after for so long.
Not only is there choice paralysis over what is the best use of my time but there is always a constant shame that I should be doing the other thing. I get back from work and I do a flurry of chores in half an hour and then by the time I've had food I then use the excuse that I'm 'too tired' to do anything so I sit and do nothing.
It's a difficult mindset to break free from but I'm going to try. I think a schedule might help, so I may draw something up and see if it removes some of the paralysis and shame.